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- Anon

- A.A. Milne, author of Winnie the Pooh. Thank you Susan Barker for helping me give proper credit to this charming poem.

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The FUNdamentalist Humanifesto:
How to Become Fooly Aware
by Swami Beyondananda
I have long been a supporter of the human potential movement.  No matter what I see on the 6:00 news, I still feel we have the potential to be human.  But how do we actually actualize our humanity?  How do we humanifest our full potential?  Many teachers are telling us that the shift is already taking place.  Perhaps you have felt the gears grinding in your own karma.  Well, there is no better way to lubricate your transmission than with laughter.  That is why so many formerly-serious people have joined the humorin' potential movement and become FUNdamentalists -- accent on "fun." 

Like many of you, I began as a seeker of wisdom.  I came of age during the sects revolution, and I explored all kinds of kinky sects.  But I never felt fulfilled.  I finally saw the light when I woke up one morning with a sugar hangover at a biker crash-pad.  I was wearing an orange leather vest and reeked of incense.  Yes, I had become a Harley Krishna.  I took a good look at myself in the mirror, and that's when enlightning struck and I found foolfillment.  I became fooly-realized the moment I realized that I was a fool -- and there was nothing to do about it but laugh.  And I've been preaching FUNdamentalism ever since. 

The Five Fundamentals of FUNdamentalism

1. Life Is a Joke - but God Is Laughing With Us, Not At Us.  God is tuned to the Comedy Channel, and we are His Funniest Home Videos.  We take turns being comedian and straight man (and yes, a gay woman can be a straight man -- it happens all the time), so we get the fool spectrum of experience.  And we have free choice.  We get to choose whether or not we laugh.  While we FUNdamentalists are ardently pro-laugh, we are pro-choice as well.  We honor every human being's right to not be amused.  But I figure, why resist a Farce that is greater than any of us?  If life is a sitcom, might as well sit calm and enjoy it. 
2. Fun Is Fundamental. FUNdamentalists believe that life is fundamentally fun -- that underneath all the stress, distress and negativity, there is an deep well of joy.  Each time laughter bubbles up from that well, we experience deep wellness. A fooly-aware person need only look in the mirror to begin laughing.  So play to God daily. Surrender to the Farce, and smile ... you're on Candid Karma. 
3. A Laugh Track Has Been Provided The FUNdamentalist scriptures tell us that on the Eighth Day, God saw the world was funny and created Laughter.  And since we were humoring Him, He decided to humor us.  So He provided a laugh track so we could laugh along.  But when things get serious, we lose track of the laugh track. Fortunately, the best way to overcome gravity is with levity.  We can use the levitational pull to help us rise above whatever is bringing us down -- and help us get back on track. 
4. We Are Put In the Material World To Get More Material.  Spirit is immaterial, so it must materialize to experience anything.  Without material existence, there would be nothing to laugh about and no one to do the laughing.  We have been given the human jestive system to turn the material of life into laughter.  When we laugh, God laughs.  And when we laugh with God, we are using the spiritual to heal the material.  To be happy in life, you must be able to take a joke.  And if you can leave a few as well, all the better. 
5. Nonjudgment Day Is At Hand! When a majority of human beings would rather laugh than condemn, we will have an uncritical mass, and this will usher in Nonjudgment Day.  On Nonjudgment Day, we will all win beauty contests.  Lawyers will disappear, and all our trials will be over.  On this glorious day when enlightning strikes, our clown chakras will open, we will become fooly-realized, and we will finally get the joke.  The world will stop -- and everyone will get off. 

A funny thing happened on the way to the Age of Aquarius. Somehow we musta got lost, because it looks like we took a detour through the Age of Nefarious instead. There we were, blithely driving our karma down the carefree global highway and wham -- we ran smack into a vicious dogma.

Some might say we got blindsided, but I say we ignored many of the danger signs along the way. Not only were we poorly prepared to wage war with terrorism, we were more importantly unprepared to wage peace with those whose hearts and hopes have been hijacked by the terrorists.

Albert Einstein once said that a problem cannot be solved at the level it was created, and sadly it looks as if we are about to prove him correct once again. We've been drawn into a pissing match in hell against an enemy that is ultimately one billion strong and has a thousand-year-old grudge against the West and a religion whose name is peace, but whose practice is too often vengeance. Of course, there has  to be a bright side to this, right? Or, as the theatergoer said, "Other  than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how'd you enjoy the play?"

Well, there is a bright side, and the bright side is back here on the "Om front." My friend Dean Sluyter, whose new book is called The Zen Commandments: Ten Suggestions for a Life of Inner Freedom, (J.P. Tarcher, 2001) says: "You know those spiritual practices we've been doing for all these years? This is what we've been practicing for." For while we can only exert a very limited levitational pull on the gravity of worldwide events, we can still choose to be peaceful, loving and yes -- even joyful -- within the scope of our own lives.  Dean recommends a daily practice which the Tibetans call tonglen. He  calls it "Bless Everyone:"

"Sit with eyes closed and allow another person's image to arise in the space before you (or if you find it easier, just feel his or her presence). Let the sense of separation between the two of you melt. Imagine all the person's suffering, confusion and worry surrounding him or her as a cloud of dark, hot, toxic smoke. Then as you inhale,  draw the smoke into your heart and purify it, transforming it into pure  white light. As you exhale, breathe out happiness and healing in the  form of that light, and shower the other person with it.

This practice can work with anyone from your cousin Vinnie you dread seeing at holiday time to Osama bin Laden. It even works on yourself. And in our conversation, Dean offered an important distinction: "When we say 'bless everyone' it doesn't mean don't defend yourself or your family, and it doesn't mean to defer to another's hatred or violence." Does that mean we can bomb 'em and bless 'em at the same time? Well, it's sure better than bombing them without blessing them -- because at the very least, it puts compassion in our hearts, and it stretches us (and our elected government, possibly) to take Uncle Albert's coaching and look for a solution beyond the problem.

For his part, Swami Beyondananda has launched a "Blisskrieg" to help use laughter to illuminate the darkness, and promises a "fight to the life": "We will light them on the land, we will light them on the sea .. we will even light them in their caves ..." Swami's controversial plan even involves dropping canisters of laughing gas in the midst of the Taliban not just to render them defenseless, but to cure their case of terminal humorrhoids.

And taking a cue both from the Swami and from Dean, I'm launching an "Om front" campaign of my own so that we all can use levity to help us rise above whatever dark days lie ahead. First, I am launching a new free monthly e-newsletter called "Wake Up Laughing." The newsletter will include a message from the Swami, along with practical tips for bringing healing laughter and conscious comedy to your life -- and sharing it joyfully, effectively and appropriately on the "outernet."

Wake Up Laughing will include links to and sound bytes from other conscious comics, and point you towards resources to help you achieve your Humor Potential. And while it is a free newsletter, we ask that you subscribe to it to make sure that you really want to receive it -- especially with all the e-junk our inbox gets filled with nowadays. (The other day, it occurred to me: Ten years ago, I played Trivial Pursuit. Today, I pick up my emails.)

I'm also launching three online 8-week classes to help everyone from the average soul in the street to professional speakers or comics achieve their Humor Potential. These classes involve a weekly lesson/practice/assignment, and two group conference calls. The courses are ridiculously inexpensive, and in the end you receive an Absurdification in Applied Humorology from the Swami. 

Finally ... here is your opportunity to catch Steve and the Swami on the "outernet" at powerful gatherings of kindred spirits, filled with insight, inspiration, connection and valuable information. 

And with Holiday Season coming up, we are offering some specials to help you give the gift of laughter.

All of us at beyondananda.com wish you healthy, happy holy days, and may you wake up laughing ... and leave laughter in your wake.

May the FARCE be with you,

Steve Bhaerman
www.beyondananda.com

HOW TO TELL IF A DOGMA IS FRIENDLY
by Swami Beyondananda

In the wake of that recent vicious dogma bite (September 11, 2001) that led to an unfortunate fatal karma crash, people are asking all kinds of questions: Why do we let killer dogmas run free? How do we deal with rabid dogmas? Can formerly-vicious dogmas be trained to sit, stay -- and most importantly, to heal? In other words, can you teach an old dogma new tricks?

Yes, it's a dogma-eat-dogma world out there, filled with pit bulls whose bull pits them against other dogmas. And while we might be tempted to raise a stick to these bad dogmas, any dogma-trainer will tell you that you cannot train a dogma to be loving and obedient by beating it. To win a dogma's heart, offer it a treat. Say, "Good dogma. Sit. Roll over ... heal."

Now of course it's sad but true that when a dogma is foaming at the mouth and is clearly rabid, it must be put down before it infects other innocent creatures. Even the most sentimental dogma-lover  understands that. So to help us all, I have divided dogmas into two  categories: Angry, unfriendly FundaMENTALIST dogmas, and the happier, more friendly FUNdamentalist ones.

FundaMENTAList FUNdamentalist Accent on the mental Accent on the fun Heaven is above us Heaven is where you make it Ours is the One Way One Way? Do not enter! Laughter is frowned upon Frowning is laughed upon Vow of chastity Vow of levity An eye for an eye Live and let live You stone people People get stoned on their own

And maybe with enough light, enough of us will get so frustrated with the stupidity of dogma-fighting, we'll just surrender and say, "Ah, peace on it!" And with a little peace here and a little peace there, who knows? We may end up with one Big Peace everywhere, and both Nonjudgment Day and Disarmaggedon will come to pass.

Mon, 05 Nov 2001

Copyright © 1999 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved.
Exerpted from Swami's new book DUCK SOUP FOR THE SOUL.
http://www.beyondananda.com
Want to drop Swami Beyondananda a line, try him at swami@beyondananda.com

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NEW AGE LULLABYE

Hush little baby don't you squall
Momma's gonna buy you a crystal ball

And if you still can't see beyond
Momma's gonna buy you a magic wand And if that wand don't change your fate
Momma's gonna teach you to levitate And if the astral makes you sick,
Momma's gonna buy you an incense stick And if that patchouli smells too rank
She'll buy you a sensory deprivation tank And if that tank don't float your bones
Momma's gonna buy you some precious stones And if those gems don't ease your heart
Momma's gonna buy you a natal chart And if your planets go berserk
Momma's gonna buy you some bodywork And if your aura still needs kneading
Momma's gonna buy you a past life reading And if your destiny stays hid
Momma's gonna buy you a pyramid And if your chakras still feel stressed
Momma's gonna take you on a vision quest

And if power animals don't come to charm ya
Sorry, kid, it's just your karma.

- Author unknown

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A is for AKASHIC RECORDS
The AKASHIC RECORDS are a great big VCR in the sky that records everything that ever happens, particularly about you. (Yes, even that time when you thought you were all alone in your room is there). The Akashic Records are sometimes confused with Santa Claus' files which, of course, tell him if you've been "naughty or nice." They are not the same. With Santa's records, you at least stand a 50% chance of getting goodies. The Akashic Records are Cosmically Impartial - no prezzies.

AURA COLORS & DEFINITIONS:
White With white ... forget it. They're avoiding you. You wouldn't know one if it bit you. Violet Very, very high. If you see someone with a violet aura, try to ingratiate yourself. Blue Highly conscious, although somewhat pompous. Blue-Green  Semi-conscious. Fun at parties. Green Reasonably conscious. Very healthy. Fond of plants.	Yellow Average. Some hope for evolution, although unlikely to be interested in it. Orange Has moments of consciousness. Uninspired sexual partner. Red Passionate and quick tempered, but not very b-r-i-g-h-t. Brown Traditionally referred to as "robot-consciousness".  Often successful in politics. California has produced two presidents like this. Black Unpleasant at best. Avoid them.

A is for AURA
AURAS are fields of energy around our bodies which most of us can't see. All genuine New Age people believe in Auras, although few can see them. Auras have different colors. You can tell how highly evolved people are by the color of their auras. However, there are so many different theories about Auras that people are confused about which colors are better than others, which of course is very important to New Age People. Everybody does agree that having any color of Aura is better than having no ne at all. Here is the final definitive, scientific rating of Aura colors.
READ MORE ABOUT CHAKRAS, MEDITATIONS & STONES HERE »

B is for BARDO
BARDO is the Tibetan word for the place where we go after death and before rebirth . Christians call this place Purgatory. It is a kind of Cosmic Waiting Room where souls hang out before their next assignment to a new physical body. Some people claim the Bardo is boring because there is nothing to do except be with yourself. Others say it is terrifying because there is nothing to do except be with yourself. They all agree it's not a lot of fun. The only cure is to get enlightened  which evidently makes the Bardo easy to put up with. This, unfortunately, requires spiritual work in this lifetime, which is awfully inconvenient when there's so much good stuff on television.

C is for CHANNELING
CHANNELING is what Channels do. A Channel is a person who does channeling. Is that clear? Let's try again. Suppose someone is dead (or at least highly-evolved and not in a body) and wants to talk to people who are still alive (or at least hanging out in a body). Okay, one more time. Suppose higher entities want to talk to us lower entities. They can't talk directly to most of us because our minds are too busy to listen. So they find someone whose mind isn't as active to act as a channel. This person channels information from the higher entity to us lower entities. Naturally the channel charges for this information, but that's only so the channel can continue to provide this valuable public service. Channeling is very popular these days. It seems the other dimensions are filled with entities with something to say. In fact, so many of us lower entities are becoming channels ourselves that soon we may all be channels. Everybody will talking and nobody will be listening.

C is for CONSCIOUSNESS
CONSCIOUSNESS is what all good New Age People are concerned with. Some are trying to raise it, some are trying to clarify it, some are trying to get more of it, others are trying to expand it, and most are still trying to figure out what it is. One thing New Age People are sure about is that their Consciousness is better than the stuff everybody else has.

C is for CRYSTALS
CRYSTALS are pretty rocks. They are considered to be better than other pretty rocks because they vibrate. Of course vibrators vibrate too. But they're used for different purposes. It used to be that you could buy pretty rocks like crystals for a few cents. Now they go for $10 and up. Way up. People use crystals to make contact with higher intelligences. People who pay that kind of money for rocks obviously need contact with higher intelligences.
READ MORE ABOUT CHAKRAS, MEDITATIONS & STONES HERE »

D is for DON JUAN
DON JUAN is an old man in Mexico who was discovered by a man in California named Carlos Castaneda. It is not quite clear if Carlos is a writer dreaming he is a sorcerer's apprentice or a sorcerer's apprentice dreaming he is a writer. His publisher has always thought Carlos is great stuff, and doesn't much care who is dreaming what. Carlos' books on Don Juan have continued to be very popular. They have made their readers very suspicious of everything they thought was real.

E is for ENLIGHTENMENT
ENLIGHTENMENT is what all Genuine New Age People are after. Nobody really knows what it is, but everyone agrees it must be better than being unenlightened, which is what we've got now. People believe that if you are Enlightened you will never have any problems again. You will have all the money and things you need (although you won't care about them) and you can spend the rest of your life (or lives) just grooving with Nature and God.

G is for GOD
GOD is the One who started it all. Many people still carry a grudge about that. He is also the One who made all the rules. This upsets many people who would rather make their own rules. These people have decided that God doesn't exist. Fortunately for them, He hasn't done the same. Many New Age People want to find God, although they have a hard time explaining how they lost Him in the first place. According to most reports, God would not be easy to misplace. Perhaps people figure it's more fun to look for Him than to find Him.

G is for GURU
A GURU is a person who teaches you things. It has been said that everyone is your Guru. This of course implies that you are everyone else's Guru as well. Have you been shirking your responsibilities? You better get on with it. Being a Guru is a serious business. At least most of the better-known Gurus are serious about their business.

H is for HOLISTIC
HOLISTIC means "encompassing the whole." It is a favorite word of New Age People and there's no end to the fun ways you can use it. Like "holistic healing," "holistic education," "holistic nutrition," and "holistic relationship." Of course "holistic" is always used with words that make it redundant. Just ask their accountants.

I is for INDIA
INDIA is where all Genuine New Age People go to find Truth. India has the Truth because it is a very spiritual country. People in India are so spiritual, they even die spiritually. Millions of them every year.

K is for KARMA
KARMA is what happens when you do something. If you do something nice, you get nice back. If you do something wicked, you're up a creek. Of course you may not get it until another lifetime, at which time you'll probably have forgotten how it started and ask "Why me?" Karma is a Cosmic Law. That means you can ignore it all you want but there's no way you can get away from it. But keep on trying if you like. It passes the time.

K is for KUNDALINI
KUNDALINI is a serpent of energy curled up at the base of the spine which rises when one meditates on it. When one gets really good at it, the Kundalini comes all the way up the spine, frazzles the brain, and leaps out the top. This is considered very desirable by people who practice Kundalini. Lots of people practicing Kundalini have been so successful that they are now living in nice, quiet places where they can be with others like themselves.

L is for LEVITATION
LEVITATION means defying the law of gravity and floating above the ground. There are now people who will teach you how to levitate. Apparently the method involves relieving yourself of certain unessential encumbrances (tens, twenties, fifties) thereby lightening your essential self. Levitation, incidentally, is how the Egyptians built their pyramids. People often wonder how they carried those big stones up the steps of half-finished pyramids. They didn't. They built them from the top down.

M is for MEDITATION
Some people say that Meditation, like Valium, works best taken twice a day in small doses. Others say that you should do it more often than that. They think you can cope much better with the world if you spend all of your time sitting on  a cushion staring at a blank wall.
READ MORE ABOUT CHAKRAS, MEDITATIONS & STONES HERE »

O is for OM
OM is a New Age Word. In fact, it is a Very New Age Word. When someone chants Om, that person becomes One With The Universe. Because it is a very powerful word, you should not repeat Om more than 1728 times at one sitting. If you do, you might become so One With The Universe that you will never....ever....come...back. You've been warned.

O is for OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE
An OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE is known in the New Age trade as an OBE. (This is not to be confused with the OBE that the Queen of England hands out. That is an Order of the British Empire which is usually given for a totally different kind of experience.) An Out of Body Experience is when you go someplace, but your body doesn't. Now if you think you are your body, this probably sounds confusing.  But it doesn't confuse a New Age Person. When you have an OBE, you leave your physical body behind and travel in your Astral body. This is also called Astral Travel. Your physical and astral bodies are connected by a silver cord. Be very careful not to break this cord, or you will never get back in your physical body. This could be very inconvenient if you still have plans for that body.

P is for PYRAMIDS
PYRAMIDS are pointy things made out of stone. They are found in Egypt and many other parts of the world. After several thousand years people have discovered that the Pyramids were built for something other than dead Pharaohs. Pyramids sharpen razor blades, make cigarettes milder, improve the taste of wine, and make for better sex and meditation, which pretty much offers something for everyone. Pyramids are obviously a great substitute for hard work and patience, so many New Age People are very fond of Pyramids.

R is for REINCARNATION
REINCARNATION means that after we die we come back in a new body for another lifetime, then we die, then we come back again and so on, over and over. All these bodies are human bodies. Some people think Reincarnation means coming back as an animal. That is called Transmigration and is very, very unusual. It will happen only if you Really Screw Up. As long as you don't commit the One Cardinal Sin, you'll be all right. (You're not committing it, are you?) Supposedly we keep reincarnating until we learn our lessons, whatever they may be. Since most of us are a little slow at catching on to things, we've been doing this for millions of years. This is called being on the Wheel of Karma. Some people think Reincarnation is a great excuse for waiting till the next lifetime to do anything. Others, who have gotten bored with the whole thing, figure they'd just as soon get  off the Wheel of Karma now. They might not be in such a hurry if they knew what the next Wheel is like.

S is for SPIRITUALITY
SPIRITUALITY is something you either have or you don't. People who have it are On The Path and Closer To God. These people are called New Age People. The ones who don't have it are called The Rest of Humanity, or "Them" for short.

S is for SUFI
A SUFI is a very mysterious person from the Middle East. Some Sufis turn around in circles, others tell stories which make absolutely no sense. Still others just sit around and smile. Sufis do these things because they are Sufis. Other people do these things because they want to be Sufis. Still others do them who have been put in special places where they won't hurt anybody.  Experts have trouble telling which group is which. Only the Sufis know. Maybe.

T is for TANTRA
TANTRA is a special kind of sex which is done for spiritual reasons. It naturally appeals to most, who have all been brought up believing that Sex is dirty. With Tantra we can all screw ourselves to Higher Consciousness. God is good.

T is for THIRD EYE
The THIRD EYE is the one in the middle of your forehead which you might not have noticed yet, but which all New Age People want to open. They figure if they can see two dimensions with one eye, and three dimensions with two eyes, just imagine what they might see with three eyes! One supposed method of opening the Third Eye is by drilling a hole in the forehead. This has not been a popular technique. Another way is through meditation. Still another way is to say nice things to it and coax it open. Once you get your Third Eye open, we'll tell you about Cleaning the Third Ear.

Y is for YIN/YANG
YIN/YANG is an ancient Oriental concept. Because it is very ancient, it is automatically considered to be very profound by New Age People. There's nothing like ancient wisdom to impress the hell out of New Age People, and Yin/Yang is about as ancient as wisdom can get. Yin/Yang means that everything has its opposite within it. Every Yin has a little Yang inside, and every Yang contains a little Yin. What this means to New Age People is that everything that seems one way is really kind of the other way too. And that opposites aren't really opposed because in some way they're already like their opposition. Therefore, since nothing is really what it seems -- and generally more like what it doesn't seem -- there's not much sense in worrying about anything because it's not what we thought it was anyhow. Don't you find this ancient wisdom reassuring?

Z is for ZEN
ZEN is everything. It is the indefinable made manifest. (Or is it the manifest made indefinable? Zen can be very confusing.) Anyway, in addition to being everything, Zen is also nothing. Therefore it is not necessary to do Zen. Nevertheless, there are special places called Zen monasteries where people do Zen, which of course they were already doing even when they weren't doing Zen. If all this makes sense to you, you are a True New Age Person.

------------------------------------------
I would love to credit the appropriate author of this work.  It was sent to me via email from a friend.  If you know the author, please email me with their address and I will contact them.  Thanks, Deidre.

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ZODIAC'S "BEDTIME PRAYER"

The 12 Signs of the Zodiac are symbols for 12 different human personality types. Each Sign has its own unique approach to life. Just for fun, let's get a feel for their different psychologies by making up a typical "Bedtime  Prayer" for each Sign.

Three major Arcana walked into a dark and crowded bar:

The Heirophant, the Magician and The Fool.

They sat down at a table and Temperance served them a pitcher of Mai Tais while a tipsy Empress greeted each one with a big hug and kiss. The Fool couldn't help but notice a robed woman seated in the corner. In front of her was a large dark brown box surrounded by a glowing sphere of light which was hovering above the table.

"What's that!?" asked the Fool in wonder. "That," declared the Devil at the end of the bar as he lit another cigarette, "that is addictive."

The three Majors decided to go and get a closer look. The mysterious woman introduced herself simply as the High Priestess. The Magician was the first to notice that the box had a door on top and mentioned it to his friends.

"What's inside?" asked the Heirophant.

"LIFE," replied the High Priestess.

"What is LIFE?" the Magician queried. 

"Oh" sighed the Star wistfully as she wandered over to the group, "it's anything you want it to be."

"I like that," said the Fool.

The Magician looked at the surface of the table in front of the High Priestess and saw 78 cards spread out. Before he could open his mouth, the Priestess said "KEYS."

"Ahhhh," deduced the Magician, "these keys open the way to Life. I wonder how it works!"

"Be careful," warned the Moon, "Things aren't always how they appear."

"I'll unlock the box!" declared the Heirophant. The Heirophant moved the Magician out of the way and sat down at the table across from the Priestess. "These keys," began the Heirophant "are tools and instruments of my faith. If I arrange them according to my beliefs, I will certainly unlock it."

"Yes!" cried Strength, "Belief will surely do it!!"

"I like that." said the Fool.

So, the Heirophant began arranging the cards according to his beliefs and slowly began to build a tower around the sphere of light, positive in the feeling that it would act as a conductor, focusing the energies of his faith, and that power would unlock the box. It took him some time to pick and arrange just the right cards and after 3 hours he finally placed the last card. Boom!! There was a loud, thunderous crash and a flash of light. The card tower exploded and all the cards fell to the ground.

The Magician laughed and moved the Heirophant out of the way to take his place. "These keys," began the Magician, "are tools and instruments of my thoughts. If I arrange them according to the systems I have worked out in my head, I will certainly unlock it."

"Yes!" cried the Emperor, "A systematic order will surely do it!"

"I like that," said the Fool.

So, the Magician began arranging the cards according to his ideas in three little piles, positive in his reasoning that if he juggled the correct combination around the sphere it would focus the energies of his thoughts and that would unlock the box. It took him some time to pick and arrange just the right cards and after 3 hours he finally placed the last card and began to juggle them in figure 8's. Boom!! There was a loud thunderous crash and flash of light. The card configuration exploded and all the cards fell to the ground. The Magician shook his head and stood up, leaving a space for someone else to try.

The Fool stepped forward and picked up all the cards. "I like these." said the Fool, and he put them in his backpack.

The Fool then leaned forward, reached out, opened the lid to the box and fell in. The Magician and the Heirophant stared at each other in astonishment and then looked back at the High Priestess.

She smiled beatifically and said, "I never said it was locked."

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SAYINGS OF THE JEWISH BUDDHIST

	If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
	Be here now.  Be someplace else later.  Is that so complicated?
	Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with t he second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
	Wherever you go, there you are.  Your luggage is another story.
	Accept misfortune as a blessing.  Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems.  What would you talk about?
	The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
	There is no escaping karma.  In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.  And whose fault was that?
	Zen is not easy.  It takes effort to attain nothingness.  And then what do you have? Bupkis.
	The Tao does not speak.  The Tao does not blame.  The Tao does not take sides.  The Tao has no expectations.  The Tao demands nothing of others.  The Tao is not Jewish.
	Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
	Let your mind be as a floating cloud.  Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.  And sit up straight.  You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
	Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.  Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.  Each blossom has ten thousand petals.  You might want to see a specialist.
	Be aware of your body.  Be aware of your perceptions.  Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
	The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself.  The Buddha says, There is no self.  So, maybe we're off the hook.

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UPDATE: Thanks now to der Mouse ... I now know the clever author's name.  This [The Phone] funny masterpiece of rhyming appeared in an old MAD Magazine.  If you are a Poe fan (as am I) you will really like this one.
NEWER UPDATE:  If you would like to read and experience Poe's remarkable inner-rhythmic original, I have finally included "The Bells" for your tintinabulational pleasure.
NEWEST UPDATE:  J.R. wrote in and filled in the missing part of the "Broker" section of The Phone.  Thanks, J.R., now its awesome! : )

And now, without further adieu ...

THE PHONE (with apologies to  Edgar Allan Poe - a Capricorn) THE BELLS Edgar Allan Poe

I See the salesman on the phone- Public phone; Calling Minnesota on a deal he can't postpone! Ah, what anger he is feeling As he tries to make his call! Hear him bellowing and squealing Cause he's reached a bar in Wheeling when he thought he had St. Paul! Hear him shout, shout, shout That his quarters have run out - That he's lost the operator and can't get a dial tone!     On the phone, phone, phone, phone,  phone, phone, phone - On the money-eating, outdoor, public phone! II See the housewife on the phone -  Kitchen phone! Gabbing with a neighbor in a boring monotone! Her poor husbands tried to reach her That he's fired from his job, That their daughter's socked her teacher, And their son's a filthy creature Who has joined up with a mob! See him call, call, call, But he has no luck at all! For the lines tied up forever with the housewife's Endless drone!     On the phone, phone, phone,  phone, phone, phone, phone - With the gabbing of the housewife on the phone! III See the bookie on the phone - Private phone! Taking bets on horses in his sleazy undertone! See the fortune he has made off All the suckers now in hock! For the cops have all been paid off And the Chief has called the raid off That was set for three o'clock! Making book, book, book, Till the suckers all get took! Making thousands from their wages till their Savings they have blown!     On the phone, phone, phone, phone,  phone, phone, phone - On the bookies own unlisted private phone! IV See the doctor on the phone - Office phone! Talking to a woman who is speaking in a moan! She is feverish and aching And she's lying on the floor! But the doctor's head is shaking As he tells her he's not making Any house-calls any more! Hear her beg, beg, beg,  That she's got a broken leg! But the doctor kindly tells her that she's only Bruised a bone!     On the phone, phone, phone, phone,  phone, phone, phone - On the doctor's ever-handy office phone! V See the broker on the phone - Wall Street phone! Talking to investors in a confidential tone! See how artfully he's told them They should buy his gold-mine stock! See the way that he's cajoled them And the cunning way he's sold them Each a whopping giant block! How they swear, swear, swear, When they find the mine is bare - And the broker's current whereabouts are Suddenly unknown!     On the phone, phone, phone, phone,  phone, phone, phone - When they find he's got a disconnected phone! VI See the snooper on the phone - Someone's phone! Monitoring phone calls in his office all alone! He can tap most any wire That is linked to any spot! And he always finds a buyer Who is eager to acquire What his dirty work has got! How he'll grin, grin, grin, When he rakes the money in - From the private talk of others that's no business Of his own!     On the phone, phone, phone, phone,  phone, phone, phone - On some helpless victim's not-so-private phone! - Frank Jacobs Edgar & Allen Crow say "Hello!"

I Hear the sledges with the bells -  Silver bells! What a world of merriment their melody foretells! How they tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, In the icy air of night! While the stars that oversprinkle All the heavens, seem to twinkle With a crystalline delight; Keeping time, time, time, In a sort of Runic rhyme, To the tintinnabulation that so musically wells      From the bells, bells, bells, bells, Bells, bells, bells - From the jinkling and the tinkling of the bells. II Hear the mellow wedding bells - Golden bells! What a world of happiness their harmony foretells! Through the balmy air of night How they ring out their delight! - From the molten-golden notes, And all in tune, What a liquid ditty floats To the turtle-dove that listens, while she gloats On the moon! Oh, from out the sounding cells, What a gush of euphony voluminously wells! How it swells! How it dwells On the Future! - how it tells Of the rapture that impels To the swinging and the ringing Of the Bells, bells, bells, -      Of the bells, bells, bells, bells, Bells, bells, bells - To the rhyming and the chiming of the bells! III Hear the loud alarum bells - Brazen bells! What a tale of terror, now, their turbulency tells! In the startled ear of night How they scream out their affright! Too much horrified to speak, They can only shriek, shriek, Out of tune, In a clamorous appealing to the mercy of the fire, In a mad expostulation with the deaf and frantic fire, Leaping higher, higher, higher, With a desperate desire, And a resolute endeavor Now - not to sit, or never, By the side of the pale-faced moon. Oh, the bells, bells, bells! What a tale their terror tells Of Despair! How they clang, and clash, and roar! What a horror they outpour On the bosom of the palpitating air! Yet the ear, it fully knows, By the twanging And the clanging, How the danger ebbs and flows; Yet the ear distinctly tells, In the jangling And the wrangling, How the danger sinks and swells, By the sinking or the swelling in the anger of the bells - Of the bells, -      Of the bells, bells, bells, bells, Bells, bells, bells - In the clamor and the clangor of the bells! IV Hear the tolling of the bells - Iron bells! What a world of solemn thought their monody compells! In the silence of the night, How we shiver with affright At the melancholy menace of their tone! For every sound that floats From the rust within their throats Is a groan. And the people - ah, the people - They that dwell up in the steeple, All alone, And who tolling, tolling, tolling, In that muffled monotone, Feel a glory in so rolling On the human heart a stone - They are neither man nor woman - They are neither brute nor human - They are Ghouls: - And their king it is who tolls: - And he rolls, rolls, rolls, Rolls A pæan from the bells! And his merry bosom swells With the pæan of the bells! And he dances, and he yells; Keeping time, time, time, in a sort of Runic rhyme, To the pæan of the bells - Of the bells: - Keeping time, time, time, In a sort of Runic rhyme, To the throbbing of the bells - Of the bells, bells, bells - To the sobbing of the bells; Keeping time, time, time, As he knells, knells, knells, In a happy Runic rhyme, To the rolling of the bells - Of the bells, bells, bells: - To the tolling of the bells -      Of the bells, bells, bells, bells, Bells, bells, bells - To the moaning and the groaning of the bells. (1849)

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LYMERICS

Lymerics are one of my all-time favorite examples of poetic expression.  They embody, at once, humanity's vivacious cleverness.  If I had more of these I'd surely post them.  If you have any cool [PG rated] lymerics you would like to contribute please email me and I'll add them and credit you.

A housewife called out with a frown
When surprised by some callers from town,
"In a minute or less
I'll slip on a dress - "
But she slipped on the stairs and came down.
- Anon

There once was a man from Leads,
who ate a packet of seeds, 
in under an hour his ass was in flower,
and his bolockes were covered in weeds.
- Contributed by Milna

There once was woman from Trent,
whose nose was so teribly bent,
one day, I suppose,
she followed her nose,
and nobody knows where she went!
- Contributed by Lymeric Man

For the tenth time, dull Daphnis, said Chloeë,
You have told me my bosom is snowy;
You've made much fine verse on
Each part of my person,
Now do something - there's a good boy!
- La Clé desl Champs, Vadbonne (Alpes-Maritimes) France

A young Ph.D. passing by,
She gave him this problem to try.
He worked on the division
With perfect precision,
And the answer was B-A-B-Y.
-1928A-1941.

There was a young girl who begat
Three brats, by the name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding,
When she found there was no tit for Tat.
- 1941.

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EPITAPHS

Witty, thought-provoking and clever, epitaphs are yet another wonderful way humanity expresses itself ... til the bitter end. 

MISCELLANY

BASIC EXPLANATION OF LIFE ...

When God created the dog, He said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a lifespan of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

Next, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

God then created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

Finally, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

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